People-pleasing is a trait that is both a strength and a weakness. While it can foster strong relationships, it can also result in burnout, low self-esteem, and difficulty setting boundaries. In this article, we highlight 12 people-pleaser traits that can assist you in finding a healthier balance in your relationships.
Telling People What They Want to Hear
You’re probably a people pleaser if you respond to genuine queries with whatever answer you think the other person wants. You might find you condone bad behavior or offer compliments that you don’t mean just to make the other person happy.
You may agree with opinions you don’t like, too. This doesn’t mean you’re fickle or you don’t have your own opinions. It just means that you prioritize other people’s comfort over your own.
You Avoid Replying if the Answer is “No”
A lot of people have difficulty with the word “no,” but a people pleaser often avoids the situation altogether by simply not answering. You may change the topic, give a vague non-answer, or pretend not to hear.
You might also “forget” to check your emails, not pick up your phone, or even avoid people if you think they are trying to get you to do something. Your behavior will be modeled on avoiding saying “no” to somebody.
You Say “Yes” Too Often
As well as going out of your way to avoid saying “no,” you’ll find that you often agree to things you don’t want to do. This might result in something like agreeing to tasks at work you don’t wish to, meeting with friends when you would rather not do so, etc.
In the long term, this can damage your relationships with other people because you may resent them for asking you to do things when you find it so hard to refuse.
You Spend a Lot Of Time Wondering What Others Think of You
This is a sure sign that you are a people pleaser: you care a lot about the opinions of others. Suppose you constantly wonder whether so-and-so really likes you or whether people thought you looked silly at your presentation last week.
In that case, this suggests you will do anything to ensure other people have a good opinion of you.
You Don’t Delegate
If you’ve got a constant sense of responsibility for everyday tasks, this may stem from a desire to please others and a reluctance to depend upon other people. You might feel you’ll upset other people by asking them to do certain tasks, which can result in you trying to do everything yourself instead.
People pleasers often worry about being called selfish, so they never depend upon others to do things for them.
You Don’t Feel You Can be Angry With Others
Do you doubt yourself when you are frustrated and constantly wonder if you are the one in the wrong instead? If so, this may stem from your desire to constantly look after and please others. It will prevent you from feeling angry because you are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Equally, it can be hard to tell somebody if they have hurt you and made you sad because you are afraid of upsetting them with your emotions.
You Are Sensitive to Criticism
You can be easily devastated by criticism if you’re a people pleaser. Because you spend so much time trying to make other people happy, you aren’t good at accepting it if somebody tells you that you’ve done something wrong.
You may not outwardly show how upset you are when criticized, but you’ll often be hurt, and you may struggle to repair your relationship with the individual who gave the criticism as a result. You will probably remember the criticism for a long time.
You might also find that you struggle with compliments because you feel like other people should be allowed to shine rather than you. You might deflect compliments or try to turn them back on the compliment-giver.
You Are Always Tired
This is one of the less obvious signs of being a people pleaser, but the fact is, if you spend your whole life trying to please others, you’ll have very little energy to devote to yourself, your needs, and your mental health. This can result in you agreeing to commitments you don’t really have time for, failing to set healthy boundaries, and working harder than you should.
It will take a toll on your physical and mental health, leaving you drained and exhausted and making it hard for you to take a break when you need to.
You Feel Underappreciated
Because you put so much time and energy into giving people everything you can, you then feel underappreciated if your efforts aren’t fully acknowledged. You might feel like you’re wasting your time on others and like nobody else makes the kind of effort you make for them. This can lead to frustration and may damage your relationships.
People pleasers are often disappointed when people they know don’t reciprocate with equal effort and may become cold and distant as a result. You may find yourself thinking that other people are selfish or doubting whether they genuinely care about you.
It can also go the other way, with the people pleaser constantly doing more to try to win the other person over.
You Hate the Thought of Letting Others Down
Nobody likes to disappoint other people, but for people-pleasers, this reaction is far, far stronger. If you find yourself cringing just at the idea of telling somebody you can’t do something that you said you could, you’re probably too invested in what other people think of you.
You can test this by imagining yourself saying to somebody, “I can’t do that,” or even, “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind, and I can no longer do that.” If you feel your heart rate spiking just at the idea, that’s a clear sign you’re a people pleaser.
You Don’t Make “Me” Time
You will probably notice that you don’t end up with much “me” time if you’re a people pleaser because you’re always finding things you can do for other people instead. This often results in your hobbies getting pushed off the list, your social events getting interrupted, and your downtime getting squashed into almost nothing.
Often, you’ll find you need to protect your time more carefully because there are constantly things you can do for other people. Whether taking on extra household chores, helping co-workers or friends, you will often fail to do the things important to you.
You Are a Perfectionist
A lot of people pleasers are perfectionists because they want other people to like them – and they think that the best way to achieve this is to demonstrate how good they are at X, Y, and Z.
You might find yourself constantly trying to get a project to the absolute best it can be, hoping that others will be impressed by and pleased with your work.
This also ties in with the dislike for being criticized. If you’ve had negative feedback on projects before (whether constructive or not), you might find yourself looking for ways to ensure that doesn’t happen again.
This can involve constantly doing and redoing projects until you feel they are perfect and beyond criticism.
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